Selfishness

I'm selfish sometimes. Not something I'm proud of. While I wouldn't use selfish as a major descriptor for me, occasionally it rears it's ugly head. Interestingly, in Arabic the word for selfish is ana-neya. Ana is the world for me/I. So, you are literally saying, "It's all about me."

We have a new car. She's beautiful. She is a blessing. She was purchased with generous donations from the people who love and care for us back home. She was purchased for ministry. And she isn't ours...not really. This is most definitely God's car. Coworkers asked to borrow the car before we even had her in our hands. Saturday they will take Blessie and drive her to the south for the day, leaving us with a car too small for our family. I tried to tell myself the reason I was upset was because we have work to do that day, and church to attend and we can't do that in the car that is left for us so we'll have to find alternative transportation. But that isn't why I was upset.

I was upset because this is a new car. She's perfect and beautiful. I've never owned a new car and honestly never expected to own one. Ana-neya. This is our new car. Brand new. We've only had her for a week. Why should someone else expect to use her? That was the real problem.

So, I vented to Scot. I complained to an online community of very patient friends. And in the back of my mind was a song that I kept ignoring. But, there it was, everytime I let myself think about it. I couldn't ignore it anymore, so I started to sing it. It's a song from the Seeds of Purpose CD. It's Matthew 6:20-21 verbatim. God was talking to me again.

19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

I have dwelled on this passage. I have sung the song over and over in my head and out loud at least 50 times in the last few days. Finally, I'm ready to surrender my car. Finally. The knot of selfishness is gone from the pit of my stomach. Our coworkers are kind, generous people. They will use the car for the day, enjoying all the amazing things Blessie has to offer, and they will return her. And maybe they'll return her with a bump or a scratch. But does it really matter? She's a gift from God. And I need to be about storing up for myself treasures in heaven. Blessie will one day be an old car. She will stop working and will need to be replaced. But it doesn't really matter.

I thank God that when I am being a snotty little brat, he gently prompts me (or something hits me over the head with a mallet) to see things from his perspective. I imagine I would exacerbate myself if I was in God's position. I'm thankful his patience is boundless. This time, I needed to be smacked upside the head. It hurt, but I'm feeling better now! :)